its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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