allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
