News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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