If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
