You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize