life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
