dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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