Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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