just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
