Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
