A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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