no, he came in my armpit
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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