I met the friendliest cop last night
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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