And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
