you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
