Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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