I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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