my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
