He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
