i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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