I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Randomize
