You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
