Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
