I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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