Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
