Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
