When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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