I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
