Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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