i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
