New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
