I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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