We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
