:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He shit in the fireplace
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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