I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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