Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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