It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
