she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
