I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
