i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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