Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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