oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
