Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
