The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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