if i can run in heels then i can drive
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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