i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
