Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
