When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
