I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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