I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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