She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
