you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
