i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
