Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
