My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
