The maid of honor just puked.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
