you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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