By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
