It's Friday. Sex?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
