sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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