the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i think i just lost a toe
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
