Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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