How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
