She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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