Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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