You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize