3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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