the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
