He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize