girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
