so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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