My first STD was from a foam party
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
